RoAWHH: Steve Warren

D: (Shaking head. In disbelief.)
B: This guy is ASTONISHED at mirror technology. “How the fuck did they DO that?”
D: Apparently he’s incomparable. That’s not necessarily a good thing. Hitler’s incomparable. I just Godwinned the album covers.
B: Who puts an adjective in front of his or her name outside of The Uncanny X-Men, The Incredible Hulk, and The Spectacular Spider-Man? Is this Stan Lee Presents Steve Warren? What’s his super power?
D: Perm. Perm on demand. Who are the Masters Five?
B: No, that’s the Masters V.
D: No, it’s got the lines on it, so it’s five.
B: I have no idea what you’re talking about. All of them have this same font.
D: You find it right next to Wingdings. It’s called GO FUCK YOURSELF.
B: It’s called TALENT.
D: “HOW DID I GET IN THERE? HOW DO I GET ME OUT?”
B: “You’ve gotta smash it, Steve.”
D: SMASH STEVE SMASH.
B: His perm breaks the window. Or his prehensile tail.
D: He’s got the same shirt on as the last guy. Christ.
B: I like how this is still shrink-wrapped. Like somebody bought it and refused to open it. “I got that new Steve Warren.” “You open it?” “No!”
D: “It’ll be worth something someday!”
B: “It’ll be a collector’s item.” Advice to upcoming artists: Don’t wear pleather on your album cover. If you’re serious about your craft, kill a fucking cow.
D: Meat is murder.
B: Yeah, this is just the skin though.

Listening to Beastie Boys

I've still been listening but I need to listen to one album a few times then write an article.  I don't want to short change the album or the article and trying to listen to them and write about them meaningfully is causing scheduling conflicts.  I have much to say about Hello Nasty and I don't want to listen to the next album yet or else they will blend together and blah blah


In other words shut up and wait

Ill Communication

Tuesday I listened to Ill Communication.

Beastie Boys - Ill Communication

Summary

It was more enjoyable than Paul's Boutique consistently through the entire album.  Maybe I'm just getting used to hearing BB rap but I feel like they made sure what they were saying was slightly more clear and I could understand more words.  There was better variety of sounds and moods, better clarity to the lyrics and larger focus on melodies or at least more musical samples.

Ill Communication is a focused more on music.  They have a few songs that are just completely instrumentals which was different.

This album opens with Sure Shot which is far and away the best song on the album.  It rocks, is fun, just a well done good song.

Root Down is pretty good.

Listen All Y'all This Is Sabotage

I have a big problem is Sabotage.  It felt massively overproduced.  It reminded me of the video which was played every day and the song played every day on KROCK or Z100 or whichever was the rock station of the time reminded me of the video again and everyone and their mother talked about this song forever.

Sabotage is different from most Beastie Boys songs.  I feel they wanted to make this song a hit single no matter what and so added/removed a lot of defining elements of the Beastie Boys to get there.

1) There is only one voice singing the song.  Most songs are all three Beastie Boys finishing each other's sentences or all three yelling out the final rhyming word from each line at the same time.  Either way it's fucking ridiculous but Beastie Boys style nonetheless.

2) It has a guitar riff leading the entire song which felt like was designed to be appealing for commercial radio play.

3) It repeats quickly and twice and overall pretty boring unless you just go fucking crazy for a nice guitar riff.

4) It felt like "We need to make a song that is simpler to understand (one singer, clearly spoken/sung lyrics, less distortion in the vocals) and easier to enjoy (more standard guitar, bass, drum configuration) to reach a wider audience so the album will sell".  The rest of the album is on average, decent.

Conclusion:
I still don't think I can listen to any Beastie Boys songs so far as part of my regular rotation of music.

Beastie Boys Week February 28 - March 4th

I have declared this week as Beastie Boys week. I never really listened much to Beastie Boys intentionally but I've liked most of their work that has reached my ears (radio play, parties) so this week I'm digging in and giving them a solid shot.  I'm listening to one album per day, at least once through. Then I'll come to TurboAwesome to tell you about it.

I started with Paul's Boutique because I remembered Owen saying once that it was the best BB album. I have no idea if he really said this because I don't give a shit.

Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique

Listening to this album made me really want to fire it up in Google and Wikipedia to see if I correctly recognized any of the samples.  It also made me finally realize what it was about the Beastie Boys that is always liked/hated. 

What I hate is their voices.  I think they are funny, like a novelty, but ultimately completely fucking irritating over any extended period of time.  The kind of annoying that you sort of need to turn down the volume any time you want to remember the directions you tried to memorize to get to Trader Joe's because you cannot function with Mike D trying to pick up a lady because you are so fucking annoyed.

What I like is the lyrics, the hooks, the samples, the attitudes.  Maybe this is a fucking no brainer but here it is, I brained it anyway.

Also I think they are completely overrated almost immediately.  Every song is 3 assholes whining for bitches or whiteboy thuggery with samples.  I don't know if Mike D is actually the brother of Saved By The Bell's Screech but to be fucking honestly all three of the Boys have earned the title in both the group and individual competitions.

Maybe this material is just too dated to be interesting for me, I don't know.  I know there's plenty of waky music I like that people give me shit for, but it usually has an interesting beat or melody, which is rare on this album.  If I can't understand or don't appreciate the lyrics in a particular song on Paul's Boutique I find no other redeeming qualities to justify not skipping to the next track.  About half the tracks feel this way.

I think the only reason I am stating I like it is Peer Pressure.  I feel like 10 of my friends will instantly bitch me out for hating on BB.  But this shit is Just Not So Good.

Ok they just rhymed Harry S Truman with Alfred E Newman and took a few measures off to really let let it sink in how awesome of a rhyme that was.

In Conclusion I like the album but I don't want to listen to it ever again.

Old Lady

I find there's nothing like a rainy day to make you really start thinking about your life and how it's going. Not perfect around here, but then again what is? Yeah, things have been declining pretty steadily for the last coupla years. You know, first Ed, then the hip, then I had to leave Pleasant Pastures because of what they said about me. I didn't know why I had to go, but they kept saying I couldn't stay there anymore. I asked if it was because the government said they couldn't take care of Whites anymore and they said don't be ridiculous, but I know what that Obama bin Laden wants for what used to be my country. I tell ya, if Ed had lived to see a Colored in the White House he would have dropped dead from the craziness, so I guess it's good he went earlier when we still had Christians in charge.

I moved in with Sharon, which because of everything going on with her made life easier. Hudson went and got himself locked in jail like I always said he was going to. They say he'll be in until he's 18, which is in another year and a half, and then he'll be on some sort of probation or other while he looks for a job and proves that he's ready to act like a human again. He got caught in the park on Fillmore Street with a baggie full of cat tranquilizer that he and his friends apparently liked to smush up and then mix with Crystal Light Lemonade powder and either snort it or smoke it, I was never quite clear. Apparently, being underage and carrying pet sedatives is enough to get you sent up and even if not he was primed for it what with the rock t-shirts and the hair and the eyeliner and the smart mouth. It was only a matter of time. And you know, maybe it's for the best. I said to Sharon I said maybe the Negroes in the juvenile hall will show him what happens to little boys who wear makeup and truth be told it'd probably be good for him but I guess she didn't hear me. Or maybe she was just ignoring me. She tends to get all shifty whenever the topic of other races come up, but then she was born in a different time where they like to be politically correct, but I've lived too long to have to care about that anymore. To me, a Chinaman's a Jap and a Hussein is a Muslim and that's just the way it's gonna be.

So since Sharon lost the house and Justine getting bigger and starting school, and no men around, I said I could move in with them help look after Justine and give Sharon a hand around the house. I'm not what I used to be in the kitchen, but I can do a little, and Justine always likes it when I make my special cinnamon toast, and now Sharon can go out on her Internet dates and know someone's home with the girl. She hasn't met anybody special yet, but there've been some near misses. I thought that Josiah was going to work out, but then he turned out to still be married and that didn't go over so well with anyone, let me tell you. I gave him a piece of my mind, absolutely.

So I had all but forgotten the kerfuffle at the Pastures, but last week after half a bottle of that Shiraz she likes (I just can't handle the liquor anymore and boy do I miss it!)  Sharon told me the reason I had to leave was because everyone else was complaining about the way I sometimes got to "screaming" at the tee vee. In my own room! Apparently, raising your voice when you're excited about your program is now a mortal crime. Kicking me out of my own home for such a thing! Well, pshaw, I say, and if they don't want my money they can get someone else's. That's what I think happened, anyway, and the other thing's just an excuse. I think somebody with more money came along and wanted my room and the people at the Pastures can't see nothing but the green green green.  That's why the pastures are so pleasant. They're lined with money! Ha!

I don't need them, and Sharon and Justine and I are doing fine just us girls. And here in our new home I can raise my voice all I want and nobody's around to say I can't.

And thank God, too! Not much left in my life but seeing my granddaughter smile and laugh and watching the Two and a Half Men show. Actually, let me just put that on and what in the sweet Jesus fuck is this? How the shitting fuck could this show get canceled? What Jew braintrust decided it was time for the best show on television to disappear in the middle of a season without so much as a goddamn howdoyoudo? What the fuck do I care what Charlie Sheen said about a writer? Listen you gobbling shitheads, if Sheen doesn't like the lines you rewrite the pricking lines. This had better be a goddamn joke or somebody is going to taste metal tonight. And I don't know which end it'll start in if you know what I mean. I mean stabbing up through the ass into the mouth. Or the other way around. Because I am on my way out anyway, CBS. It's not like I'm gonna live to see another show this good, and don't think I haven't made my peace with the hereafter. I know which side I'm going to and I'm rarin' to go. I want to see Ed so I can punch him in his pissing mouth for abandoning me to live with my good-for-nothing daughter and her retard little girl. Cinnamon toast is just bread with sugar on it you miniwhore. Make it your own goddamn self. I have to get to New York City for an impromptu meeting with some television executives. I'll have the Season 3 DVD boxset in one hand and a pair of wire cutters in the other and we'll decide together which order we're gonna use 'em in. You hear me Cocksucking Broadcasting System? I'm on flight 197 to La Guardia and I know how to catch a gypsy cab. I'll see you soon. And then we'll talk.

Well, I'll talk.

And you will listen good.

RoAWHH: Love and Peace

B: For Go’s sake, stop drawing your album covers by hand.
D: This is why war still happens. If war hadn’t happened, this album would have started war.
B: And hate.
D: Yeah.
B: I like how they forgot to put “Lots of” until the end. There are eight people in the group, one lady -- she must be Julcia -- and the others are boys. It’s like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs if Snow White can’t be held responsible for her actions and each and every one of the dwarfs looks lecherous.
D: So in other words, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
B: Isn’t it dwarves?
D: No.
B: I like the guy who looks like Stephen Merchant with a moustache. He’s all extra-tall and in the back. GET IN THE BACK LANKY. I also think there’s something with the way they’re dressed. The guy with the black vest is all close to Julcia who’s also wearing a black vest.
D: So the rest of them are fucking?
B: It’s accordion guy’s turn to get gang-banged. (sad accordion noise). I want to know what instruments the two guys in the back play. The one who looks like Auric Goldfinger (from the film of the same name) and the one who looks like Bitter Bobby Kennedy.
D: You’d be bitter too if you got shot in the head.
B: These guys play the skinflute. Both of them.
D: Well, there’s a reason they’re so peaceful.
B: Maybe Mubarak should’ve played the skinflute.
D: TOPICAL!
B: Next cover.

RoAWHH: Ken, By Request Only

D: Well, at least he learned he shouldn’t perform unless explicitly asked.
B: How many times has he heard “Hey, Ken, nobody asked you to sing buddy”?
D: More than he can count.
B: He’s not at a bar. How is he gonna take requests? Was he just in a studio? Waiting for people to be like “Ken, show us your butt-chin. Also, sing us a song.”
D: I know we’ve gone over this before. But really: what was wrong with the seventies and their clothing? What were they thinking?
B: Honestly, I think this is another example where people were really impressed with the technology. “We can superimpose a guy next to his own head. We can see the whole leisure-suit action AND really get up in that butt-chin.” Fuckin’ Ken.
D: This is just ridiculous. They shouldn’t be worried about head injuries in the NFL. Just give everybody Ken’s hair and they’ll be fine.
B: I’m just trying to imagine what Ken sounds like singing.
D: (demonstrates)
B: Yeah. Like some sort of bird in pain. Like a condor. Real throaty.
D: Fuckin’ Ken.

RoAWHH: Free Indeed by Rick McKnight

B: OK, immediately what comes to mind is: this guy was on trial for fucking some 14 year old boy in the high school where he works, and he just got out of court, and he’s dancing like Michael Jackson after acquittal. ‘Cause he clearly has some legal briefs in his right hand. Evidence. DNA tests. Spooj-covered vest.
D: I’m still impressed that I spelled “acquittal” right on the first try. Don’t get the “cq” action much. Also: is he looking down on himself from heaven?
B: What is Sky-Rick saying to Ground-Rick?
D: They’re both Sky-Rick.
B: One is Ethereal-Rick.
D: Lower-Sky-Rick longs to be Higher-Sky-Rick. He has his class read Jonathan Livingston Seagull every day.
B: And then take their shirts off.
D: “I don’t see what this has to do with algebra.”
B: “F!”
D: “You get an F! Go to the principal! GO!”
B: “Tell her you’re a frigid bitch.”
D: “The rest of you... we’re gonna learn how to solve for x.”
B: “Where “x” equals “my dick”. Oops. Gave you the answer. (pause) No, seriously, solve it."

RoAWHH: Space Escapade by Les Baxter

B: Les Baxter has landed on the planet of hot chicks in a cock-shaped rocket.
D: What is he holding?
B: A space cocktail? He’s like a dollar store Captain Kirk. Fuck Les.
D: I don’t understand what evolutionary advantage having a spring coming out of your head would offer.
B: Obviously you’ve never gotten head from an alien. Upside down.
D: On their world, people are yellow and pink.
B: Racist. Is that all you see? Color?
D: But the astronauts are white, and that’s how it should be.
B: I like that this is from the time when color of any kind impressed people. “Oh, shit! Green! The future is now!” Like how 3D movies are now.
D: They’re not gonna get any, ‘cause they can’t take off their suits.
B: Les is gonna go to his man there and say, “Unzip me. Unzip my one-piece so I can fuck these colorful bitches.”
D: “Uh, Les, this atmosphere isn’t breathable. If I unzip you, you’ll die a horrible death.”
B: “I don’t give a fuck. This bitch is GREEEEEEN!”
D: They also can’t drink that. HOW ARE THEY GONNA DRINK THAT? THEY HAVE HELMETS ON!
B: “A toast!” SMASH. Like the alien girls are fooled.
D: I hate this one. I hate this one.
B: In space, no one can hear you fuck.

RoAWHH: Happy Again by Merrill Womach

That's right. We're back. It's the time all (?) of you (?) have been waiting for: FINISHING THE REVIEWS OF TERRIBLE ALBUM COVERS!

Thirteen more to go. Or fourteen. Whatever. Check this out.

B: Jesus Christ. Is that really the next one we have?
D: We picked an auspicious place to re-begin. It really needed a two year break.
B: Just to prepare me mentally for this. This motherfucker looks like Chiklis as The Thing wearing a wig. Is that poison ivy, or a fire that did that to him?
D: Oh, man. Oh, man. Why?
B: Why is it like a movie... film?
D: A movie-film? I don’t know, but I don’t want to see the next frame. Or any of the preceding ones. Or these two.
B: Is he wearing a headband there? Looks like a chinstrap. To keep his fucking wig on, ‘cause he’s The Thing.
D: Why was he happy the first time, and why is he happy now?
B: He’s happy ‘cause it doesn’t itch anymore.
D: What doesn’t?
B: Merrill Womach. That’s what. I’m good with moving on, ‘cause my face is starting to itch. I’m getting like psychosomatic burns from this.
D: He may have restorethed your soul, but he didn’t restoreth your face.
B: Ooh. Damn.

Happy Birthday Nick Cage

Not to interrupt the flow or nothin'

But did anybody post this?

It's the Zombie Apocalypse Fantasy Draft!

Of course, I think only three people still check TurboAwesome.com, and they are all participants in the podcast, so I'm not sure why I'm doing this.

Uh-oh

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