Old Lady

I woke up yesterday morning at about 5:30. As usual I walked Amy (my bichon frise) and picked up a paper. On my way home, this had to be not later than 6:15, I noticed Ricky Sanchez, my neighbor stuffing something in his trash can at the end of the driveway. Now, I'm nobody's racist, hell I worked with a black woman on the army base for seven years, but I can't help but wonder what a Puerto Rican man was doing taking his trash out at that hour. I think he caught me staring at him because he said "Buenos Dias, Ms. Powell," and had this sinister look on his face. I picked Amy up and walked the rest of the way.

I got home and took a shower then had myself a half a grapefruit and some Grape Nuts. Ed woke up about a half hour later screaming "Doris! Doris!" Now at this point I'm thinking he slipped and cracked his hip or he's having another fit of dementia so I go on upstairs in a tizzy and ask him what's wrong. He says "I just wanted to make sure you didn't eat the rest of my lobster form the other night." Ed and I had gone to Marty's seafood two nights ago and he saved the little redundant legs because god forbid he pay $17.95 for a meal and not fully digest every ounce of it. I swear to god if not for his teeth being as soft as warm plastic, he'd try to eat the shell too. Out of breath, standing there in the doorway, I says to Ed, "You know I can't eat Lobster with all that butter on account of my blood pressure. And you wailing like a banshee up here isn't help the old ticker either."

After that I read the paper and took a nap. Amy jumped up on me a few hours later and woke me up, licking my face. They say their mouths are cleaner than ours so what do I care. It's not like I'm going to live to feel the effects of dog saliva anyway. I fixed myself a salad for lunch and ate it watching the golf on TV. Ed kept shouting at me from the porch.

"Who's ahead? Who's leading?"

"Come in here and see for yourself!"

"I'm on the porch!"

"I know that! Come inside, it's too cold to be sitting out there!"

Tiger Woods won on a playoff. It was the most exciting thing I'd seen since Ed passed his gall stone. He's so well spoken- Tiger, not Ed- and he's so humble in the interviews and things. I heard somewhere that his mother is Asian. That's probably what it is. They're a very intelligent people. Very good at math. And golf too, apparently.

I asked Ed if he wanted to come to Shop Rite with me because I have some coupons expiring tomorrow and if I want those BonBel cheeses at two for one I'll have to act fast. I like those little things, but too many gives me gas. I bet Ed would eat the Parrafin wax casing if I didn't hide them behind the seltzer water.

I got home from the store and had another nap. Amy's whining (or maybe Ed's snoring) woke me up and I started in dinner. I grilled two chicken breasts (4 for $6.99!!) steamed some broccoli and boiled some brown rice. After dinner we sat down in front of the TV. I had a little pint of Ben & Jerry's for dessert. I figure I can pull it off if I keep it up with the salad for lunch.

I turned on the TV and what the fuck? Where the hell is Two and a Half Men? Do not play with me CBS. I don't give a fuck if you got football on or whatever the fuck. When I sit down with my god damned Cherry Garcia I want to see Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer and that fat kid. Did they cancel this? Who's in charge of this shit? I got a shotgun that Ed keeps under the couch and I will spray those motherfuckers like a carwash. Someone will die for every episode of Two and a Half men that I miss. You motherfuckers will pay. Shit is not a game. I am old and among my few pleasures in life is Marty's baked Scrod sandwich, watching golf anf Two and a motherfucking half men. For real, give me a name and an address, and I'll be there to choke you motherfuckers out. Don't let me get your home address or I'll turn your family into two and a half men. Cut your son off at the waist and make you bitches run around for my enjoyment to fill the void left by Two and a Half Men. Shit. I got a motherfucking neighbor throwing bodies in the trash at the crack of dawn. You think you can't be next. I'll call him right now. "RICKY!!" Fucking with Two and a Half men, you must be cra- "RICK!!" You motherfuckers done it now. Fucked with the wrong TV show. It's about to be on. Run for cover motherfuckers.

I'll see you when I see you.

And I will see you