Old Lady

Well, kay surra surra they always used to say when I was a girl, and I guess that goes double for me. Things are pretty much the same as they've been for the last coupla years. Pretty much.

I had to move again, though, which was sad. Although my new (old now, I guess) place was nice and good I slipped like a dummy in the kitchen and broke my hip. What people don't believe is that I actually dropped a banana and slipped on it just like in the cartoons. It would have been awful funny if it hadn't hurt so much, and if I hadn't had to lie there for almost a day and a half until Sharon's new husband came over with the baby and helped me up and the baby screaming and all.

Yeah, ever since Bill walked out on Sharon, Hudson's been getting into some trouble. I know that boys love their fathers and it's important to have a man around, but that's no excuse to be putting on the makeup and the chains and going to school looking like a damn pervert. I wish Ed was still around to smack some sense into the boy. The last time I saw him when he came to visit me here in the home it looked like he had to have been dragged in with a shock collar. I just looks at him at my eldest grandchild and I says, "Honey, with a name like yours I really don't think it's the best idea to be putting on the makeup," and he said something awful and left and that's the last time I see him. Sometimes I think of him when he was so beautiful and kind and just wanted to ride on the swings and now to see him this way is awful. It's just awful.

So, yeah. I'm living here in Pleasant Pastures now. Thanks to the money I had from the house, I could afford to come here instead of going to the County place they got over there in Hempstead. Sharon and I took a look, but it dirty and everybody who worked there was a Mexican and I don't normally mind but if I'm gonna be living someplace I don't want it to smell quite so bad. At least the new place has a Chinese and a couple of Blacks, and I just find them more palatable. Call me old fashioned.

The food here is actually not bad. Ain't good, I'm saying. But it ain't bad. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays we're allowed to use the kitchen, so sometimes to feel better of an autumn evening I'll whip up a batch of cookies just like I used to. But the last couple times I did it they came out wrong. Rose said it was 'cause I didn't put the eggs in, but I told her I says to her I says I've been making cookies since the Roosevelt administration young lady and I think I know how to make 'em. Forgetting eggs. Nonsense.

Thankfully, we each have a television in our rooms, which is nice, because over at County they've just got the one and after so long with the clicker in my hand, I had gotten used to not having to share. Especially since Ed passed and I could actually turn it down so I could hear myself think. So I had a stack of cookies last night (store bought, unfortunately-- too starchy) and a glass of water (my stomach just can't handle the dairy these days) and I sits down to watch the Emmy Awards and are you fucking shitting me? What the fuck did we talk about? I didn't watch 30 Rock when it had that faggot Lithgow in it and I'm sure as fuck not watching it now. Tina Fey? TINA FUCK. With the dyke glasses and the smarm. I will cut her face with a dull kitchen knife. And Alec Baldwin with his communist fat ass and the black guy who talks like a retard? What the fuck television are they watching? They haven't seen Sheen and Cryer and that... that... older gentleman who used to be a kid if they're rewarding this utter horseshit 30 ruck. Holy fuck I'm turning green and shit. This will not fucking stand, savvy? Listen. Listen up you Emmy fucks. I'm coming to Los Angeles. TONIGHT. I'd fly on the fucking Concorde if the Limies still built em. I just threw Hudson's first grade ashtray through my plate glass window. Guess what, you sons of whores? Now I've got ample broken glass for Tina Fuck and the rest of you. Guess the fuck what? I'm going to cut off your eyelids. That's right. BOTH OF THEM. And then I'm going to put on Two and Half Motherfucking Men until you RECOGNIZE what you've done. You've cheated us. You've cheated all of us who know the fucking truth: that Two and a Half Men is the finest television program in this Christian land. You're going to watch it.

And I'm going to make you.

Shut your eyes while you can you fucks. Tomorrow morning you won't have the chance.