TurboAwesome.com

RoAWHH: Steve Warren

2011-03-26T22:57:00.000-04:00

D: (Shaking head. In disbelief.)
B: This guy is ASTONISHED at mirror technology. “How the fuck did they DO that?”
D: Apparently he’s incomparable. That’s not necessarily a good thing. Hitler’s incomparable. I just Godwinned the album covers.
B: Who puts an adjective in front of his or her name outside of The Uncanny X-Men, The Incredible Hulk, and The Spectacular Spider-Man? Is this Stan Lee Presents Steve Warren? What’s his super power?
D: Perm. Perm on demand. Who are the Masters Five?
B: No, that’s the Masters V.
D: No, it’s got the lines on it, so it’s five.
B: I have no idea what you’re talking about. All of them have this same font.
D: You find it right next to Wingdings. It’s called GO FUCK YOURSELF.
B: It’s called TALENT.
D: “HOW DID I GET IN THERE? HOW DO I GET ME OUT?”
B: “You’ve gotta smash it, Steve.”
D: SMASH STEVE SMASH.
B: His perm breaks the window. Or his prehensile tail.
D: He’s got the same shirt on as the last guy. Christ.
B: I like how this is still shrink-wrapped. Like somebody bought it and refused to open it. “I got that new Steve Warren.” “You open it?” “No!”
D: “It’ll be worth something someday!”
B: “It’ll be a collector’s item.” Advice to upcoming artists: Don’t wear pleather on your album cover. If you’re serious about your craft, kill a fucking cow.
D: Meat is murder.
B: Yeah, this is just the skin though.

Listening to Beastie Boys

2011-03-06T16:13:00.002-05:00

I've still been listening but I need to listen to one album a few times then write an article. I don't want to short change the album or the article and trying to listen to them and write about them meaningfully is causing scheduling conflicts. I have much to say about Hello Nasty and I don't want to listen to the next album yet or else they will blend together and blah blah

In other words shut up and wait

Ill Communication

2011-03-01T13:46:00.003-05:00

Tuesday I listened to Ill Communication.

Beastie Boys - Ill Communication

Summary

It was more enjoyable than Paul's Boutique consistently through the entire album. Maybe I'm just getting used to hearing BB rap but I feel like they made sure what they were saying was slightly more clear and I could understand more words. There was better variety of sounds and moods, better clarity to the lyrics and larger focus on melodies or at least more musical samples.

Ill Communication is a focused more on music. They have a few songs that are just completely instrumentals which was different.

This album opens with Sure Shot which is far and away the best song on the album. It rocks, is fun, just a well done good song.

Root Down is pretty good.

Listen All Y'all This Is Sabotage

I have a big problem is Sabotage. It felt massively overproduced. It reminded me of the video which was played every day and the song played every day on KROCK or Z100 or whichever was the rock station of the time reminded me of the video again and everyone and their mother talked about this song forever.

Sabotage is different from most Beastie Boys songs. I feel they wanted to make this song a hit single no matter what and so added/removed a lot of defining elements of the Beastie Boys to get there.

1) There is only one voice singing the song. Most songs are all three Beastie Boys finishing each other's sentences or all three yelling out the final rhyming word from each line at the same time. Either way it's fucking ridiculous but Beastie Boys style nonetheless.

2) It has a guitar riff leading the entire song which felt like was designed to be appealing for commercial radio play.

3) It repeats quickly and twice and overall pretty boring unless you just go fucking crazy for a nice guitar riff.

4) It felt like "We need to make a song that is simpler to understand (one singer, clearly spoken/sung lyrics, less distortion in the vocals) and easier to enjoy (more standard guitar, bass, drum configuration) to reach a wider audience so the album will sell". The rest of the album is on average, decent.

Conclusion:
I still don't think I can listen to any Beastie Boys songs so far as part of my regular rotation of music.

Beastie Boys Week February 28 - March 4th

2011-02-28T18:49:00.000-05:00

I have declared this week as Beastie Boys week. I never really listened much to Beastie Boys intentionally but I've liked most of their work that has reached my ears (radio play, parties) so this week I'm digging in and giving them a solid shot. I'm listening to one album per day, at least once through. Then I'll come to TurboAwesome to tell you about it.

I started with Paul's Boutique because I remembered Owen saying once that it was the best BB album. I have no idea if he really said this because I don't give a shit.

Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique

Listening to this album made me really want to fire it up in Google and Wikipedia to see if I correctly recognized any of the samples. It also made me finally realize what it was about the Beastie Boys that is always liked/hated.

What I hate is their voices. I think they are funny, like a novelty, but ultimately completely fucking irritating over any extended period of time. The kind of annoying that you sort of need to turn down the volume any time you want to remember the directions you tried to memorize to get to Trader Joe's because you cannot function with Mike D trying to pick up a lady because you are so fucking annoyed.

What I like is the lyrics, the hooks, the samples, the attitudes. Maybe this is a fucking no brainer but here it is, I brained it anyway.

Also I think they are completely overrated almost immediately. Every song is 3 assholes whining for bitches or whiteboy thuggery with samples. I don't know if Mike D is actually the brother of Saved By The Bell's Screech but to be fucking honestly all three of the Boys have earned the title in both the group and individual competitions.

Maybe this material is just too dated to be interesting for me, I don't know. I know there's plenty of waky music I like that people give me shit for, but it usually has an interesting beat or melody, which is rare on this album. If I can't understand or don't appreciate the lyrics in a particular song on Paul's Boutique I find no other redeeming qualities to justify not skipping to the next track. About half the tracks feel this way.

I think the only reason I am stating I like it is Peer Pressure. I feel like 10 of my friends will instantly bitch me out for hating on BB. But this shit is Just Not So Good.

Ok they just rhymed Harry S Truman with Alfred E Newman and took a few measures off to really let let it sink in how awesome of a rhyme that was.

In Conclusion I like the album but I don't want to listen to it ever again.

Old Lady

2011-02-26T10:54:00.001-05:00

I find there's nothing like a rainy day to make you really start thinking about your life and how it's going. Not perfect around here, but then again what is? Yeah, things have been declining pretty steadily for the last coupla years. You know, first Ed, then the hip, then I had to leave Pleasant Pastures because of what they said about me. I didn't know why I had to go, but they kept saying I couldn't stay there anymore. I asked if it was because the government said they couldn't take care of Whites anymore and they said don't be ridiculous, but I know what that Obama bin Laden wants for what used to be my country. I tell ya, if Ed had lived to see a Colored in the White House he would have dropped dead from the craziness, so I guess it's good he went earlier when we still had Christians in charge.

I moved in with Sharon, which because of everything going on with her made life easier. Hudson went and got himself locked in jail like I always said he was going to. They say he'll be in until he's 18, which is in another year and a half, and then he'll be on some sort of probation or other while he looks for a job and proves that he's ready to act like a human again. He got caught in the park on Fillmore Street with a baggie full of cat tranquilizer that he and his friends apparently liked to smush up and then mix with Crystal Light Lemonade powder and either snort it or smoke it, I was never quite clear. Apparently, being underage and carrying pet sedatives is enough to get you sent up and even if not he was primed for it what with the rock t-shirts and the hair and the eyeliner and the smart mouth. It was only a matter of time. And you know, maybe it's for the best. I said to Sharon I said maybe the Negroes in the juvenile hall will show him what happens to little boys who wear makeup and truth be told it'd probably be good for him but I guess she didn't hear me. Or maybe she was just ignoring me. She tends to get all shifty whenever the topic of other races come up, but then she was born in a different time where they like to be politically correct, but I've lived too long to have to care about that anymore. To me, a Chinaman's a Jap and a Hussein is a Muslim and that's just the way it's gonna be.

So since Sharon lost the house and Justine getting bigger and starting school, and no men around, I said I could move in with them help look after Justine and give Sharon a hand around the house. I'm not what I used to be in the kitchen, but I can do a little, and Justine always likes it when I make my special cinnamon toast, and now Sharon can go out on her Internet dates and know someone's home with the girl. She hasn't met anybody special yet, but there've been some near misses. I thought that Josiah was going to work out, but then he turned out to still be married and that didn't go over so well with anyone, let me tell you. I gave him a piece of my mind, absolutely.

So I had all but forgotten the kerfuffle at the Pastures, but last week after half a bottle of that Shiraz she likes (I just can't handle the liquor anymore and boy do I miss it!) Sharon told me the reason I had to leave was because everyone else was complaining about the way I sometimes got to "screaming" at the tee vee. In my own room! Apparently, raising your voice when you're excited about your program is now a mortal crime. Kicking me out of my own home for such a thing! Well, pshaw, I say, and if they don't want my money they can get someone else's. That's what I think happened, anyway, and the other thing's just an excuse. I think somebody with more money came along and wanted my room and the people at the Pastures can't see nothing but the green green green. That's why the pastures are so pleasant. They're lined with money! Ha!

I don't need them, and Sharon and Justine and I are doing fine just us girls. And here in our new home I can raise my voice all I want and nobody's around to say I can't.

And thank God, too! Not much left in my life but seeing my granddaughter smile and laugh and watching the Two and a Half Men show. Actually, let me just put that on and what in the sweet Jesus fuck is this? How the shitting fuck could this show get canceled? What Jew braintrust decided it was time for the best show on television to disappear in the middle of a season without so much as a goddamn howdoyoudo? What the fuck do I care what Charlie Sheen said about a writer? Listen you gobbling shitheads, if Sheen doesn't like the lines you rewrite the pricking lines. This had better be a goddamn joke or somebody is going to taste metal tonight. And I don't know which end it'll start in if you know what I mean. I mean stabbing up through the ass into the mouth. Or the other way around. Because I am on my way out anyway, CBS. It's not like I'm gonna live to see another show this good, and don't think I haven't made my peace with the hereafter. I know which side I'm going to and I'm rarin' to go. I want to see Ed so I can punch him in his pissing mouth for abandoning me to live with my good-for-nothing daughter and her retard little girl. Cinnamon toast is just bread with sugar on it you miniwhore. Make it your own goddamn self. I have to get to New York City for an impromptu meeting with some television executives. I'll have the Season 3 DVD boxset in one hand and a pair of wire cutters in the other and we'll decide together which order we're gonna use 'em in. You hear me Cocksucking Broadcasting System? I'm on flight 197 to La Guardia and I know how to catch a gypsy cab. I'll see you soon. And then we'll talk.

Well, I'll talk.

And you will listen good.

RoAWHH: Love and Peace

2011-02-23T09:32:00.002-05:00

B: For Go’s sake, stop drawing your album covers by hand.
D: This is why war still happens. If war hadn’t happened, this album would have started war.
B: And hate.
D: Yeah.
B: I like how they forgot to put “Lots of” until the end. There are eight people in the group, one lady -- she must be Julcia -- and the others are boys. It’s like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs if Snow White can’t be held responsible for her actions and each and every one of the dwarfs looks lecherous.
D: So in other words, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
B: Isn’t it dwarves?
D: No.
B: I like the guy who looks like Stephen Merchant with a moustache. He’s all extra-tall and in the back. GET IN THE BACK LANKY. I also think there’s something with the way they’re dressed. The guy with the black vest is all close to Julcia who’s also wearing a black vest.
D: So the rest of them are fucking?
B: It’s accordion guy’s turn to get gang-banged. (sad accordion noise). I want to know what instruments the two guys in the back play. The one who looks like Auric Goldfinger (from the film of the same name) and the one who looks like Bitter Bobby Kennedy.
D: You’d be bitter too if you got shot in the head.
B: These guys play the skinflute. Both of them.
D: Well, there’s a reason they’re so peaceful.
B: Maybe Mubarak should’ve played the skinflute.
D: TOPICAL!
B: Next cover.

RoAWHH: Ken, By Request Only

2011-02-17T08:45:00.000-05:00

D: Well, at least he learned he shouldn’t perform unless explicitly asked.
B: How many times has he heard “Hey, Ken, nobody asked you to sing buddy”?
D: More than he can count.
B: He’s not at a bar. How is he gonna take requests? Was he just in a studio? Waiting for people to be like “Ken, show us your butt-chin. Also, sing us a song.”
D: I know we’ve gone over this before. But really: what was wrong with the seventies and their clothing? What were they thinking?
B: Honestly, I think this is another example where people were really impressed with the technology. “We can superimpose a guy next to his own head. We can see the whole leisure-suit action AND really get up in that butt-chin.” Fuckin’ Ken.
D: This is just ridiculous. They shouldn’t be worried about head injuries in the NFL. Just give everybody Ken’s hair and they’ll be fine.
B: I’m just trying to imagine what Ken sounds like singing.
D: (demonstrates)
B: Yeah. Like some sort of bird in pain. Like a condor. Real throaty.
D: Fuckin’ Ken.

RoAWHH: Free Indeed by Rick McKnight

2011-02-15T09:43:00.001-05:00

B: OK, immediately what comes to mind is: this guy was on trial for fucking some 14 year old boy in the high school where he works, and he just got out of court, and he’s dancing like Michael Jackson after acquittal. ‘Cause he clearly has some legal briefs in his right hand. Evidence. DNA tests. Spooj-covered vest.
D: I’m still impressed that I spelled “acquittal” right on the first try. Don’t get the “cq” action much. Also: is he looking down on himself from heaven?
B: What is Sky-Rick saying to Ground-Rick?
D: They’re both Sky-Rick.
B: One is Ethereal-Rick.
D: Lower-Sky-Rick longs to be Higher-Sky-Rick. He has his class read Jonathan Livingston Seagull every day.
B: And then take their shirts off.
D: “I don’t see what this has to do with algebra.”
B: “F!”
D: “You get an F! Go to the principal! GO!”
B: “Tell her you’re a frigid bitch.”
D: “The rest of you... we’re gonna learn how to solve for x.”
B: “Where “x” equals “my dick”. Oops. Gave you the answer. (pause) No, seriously, solve it."

RoAWHH: Space Escapade by Les Baxter

2011-02-14T09:13:00.001-05:00

B: Les Baxter has landed on the planet of hot chicks in a cock-shaped rocket.
D: What is he holding?
B: A space cocktail? He’s like a dollar store Captain Kirk. Fuck Les.
D: I don’t understand what evolutionary advantage having a spring coming out of your head would offer.
B: Obviously you’ve never gotten head from an alien. Upside down.
D: On their world, people are yellow and pink.
B: Racist. Is that all you see? Color?
D: But the astronauts are white, and that’s how it should be.
B: I like that this is from the time when color of any kind impressed people. “Oh, shit! Green! The future is now!” Like how 3D movies are now.
D: They’re not gonna get any, ‘cause they can’t take off their suits.
B: Les is gonna go to his man there and say, “Unzip me. Unzip my one-piece so I can fuck these colorful bitches.”
D: “Uh, Les, this atmosphere isn’t breathable. If I unzip you, you’ll die a horrible death.”
B: “I don’t give a fuck. This bitch is GREEEEEEN!”
D: They also can’t drink that. HOW ARE THEY GONNA DRINK THAT? THEY HAVE HELMETS ON!
B: “A toast!” SMASH. Like the alien girls are fooled.
D: I hate this one. I hate this one.
B: In space, no one can hear you fuck.

RoAWHH: Happy Again by Merrill Womach

2011-02-12T18:54:00.002-05:00

That's right. We're back. It's the time all (?) of you (?) have been waiting for: FINISHING THE REVIEWS OF TERRIBLE ALBUM COVERS!

Thirteen more to go. Or fourteen. Whatever. Check this out.

B: Jesus Christ. Is that really the next one we have?
D: We picked an auspicious place to re-begin. It really needed a two year break.
B: Just to prepare me mentally for this. This motherfucker looks like Chiklis as The Thing wearing a wig. Is that poison ivy, or a fire that did that to him?
D: Oh, man. Oh, man. Why?
B: Why is it like a movie... film?
D: A movie-film? I don’t know, but I don’t want to see the next frame. Or any of the preceding ones. Or these two.
B: Is he wearing a headband there? Looks like a chinstrap. To keep his fucking wig on, ‘cause he’s The Thing.
D: Why was he happy the first time, and why is he happy now?
B: He’s happy ‘cause it doesn’t itch anymore.
D: What doesn’t?
B: Merrill Womach. That’s what. I’m good with moving on, ‘cause my face is starting to itch. I’m getting like psychosomatic burns from this.
D: He may have restorethed your soul, but he didn’t restoreth your face.
B: Ooh. Damn.

Happy Birthday Nick Cage

2011-01-07T16:57:00.002-05:00

Not to interrupt the flow or nothin'

2011-01-05T11:46:00.000-05:00

But did anybody post this?

It's the Zombie Apocalypse Fantasy Draft!

Of course, I think only three people still check TurboAwesome.com, and they are all participants in the podcast, so I'm not sure why I'm doing this.

Uh-oh

2011-01-05T11:26:00.002-05:00

uh-oh

2011-01-04T21:28:00.003-05:00

UH-OH

2011-01-04T19:56:00.000-05:00

Uh-oh

2011-01-04T19:46:00.002-05:00

Uh-oh

2011-01-04T10:09:00.000-05:00

Uh-oh

2011-01-03T23:17:00.001-05:00

Uh-oh

2011-01-03T21:45:00.000-05:00

Uh-oh

2011-01-03T20:16:00.002-05:00

RoAWHH: The Best of the Singing Postman

2010-07-02T00:09:00.000-04:00

D: The Landlord’s Daughter!
B: I would expect the Singing Farmer to be sitting on bales of hay. Why isn’t he sitting on letters? Or brown-paper packages?
D: Or a machine gun. Hey-oh! Topical 1990s reference! Wait a second. I call bullshit. This is Ron Johnson.
B: The later days?
D: Yeah.
B: So he finally passed that civil service exam. Good for him.
D: We still can’t tell if he has eyes or not.
B: At least he’s got lids. And I see a brow.
D: Wait... is that the Hutchins Guitars Brian Jones Signature model?
B: It is. And it seems fitting that the guitar played by Brian Jones during his tenure with The Rolling Stones was shaped like a tear.
D: Are you referring to his alleged gang affiliations?
B: No: rather, to the tortured life he led.
D: Before or after his international fame?
B: Can’t it be both?
Both: [charmed laughter]

RoAWHH: Terry Riley?

2010-07-02T00:04:00.000-04:00

B: This is like in Superman, whenever he talked to his father, whenever Marlon Brando’s grill came up onscreen, didn’t he super-impose like this? Or is he God?
D: So he’s either Jor-El or God?
B: Which if you break down the symbolism, kinda works out.
D: Are you Brian Singer?
B: No.
D: Jesus never had a spit-curl.
B: And never had to lift anything.
D: Except the cross.
B: Come on. What did that thing weigh?
D: Let’s check Wikipedia.
B: “1 million sins.”
D: “The sins of the world.”
B: But what is that in pounds? Like forty? Fifty?
D: Can we get that in kilos?
B: The Czech Republic has changed you.
D: Kde?
B: Either way, that Kryptonite rock had to be heavier than that.
D: SPOILER!
B: It’s been two thousand years. I think they know he dies at the end.

Well, You're No Brad Garrett.

2010-06-24T10:15:00.000-04:00

Uh, guys? Read this.

Perhaps realizing that the role of Ally (Joy and Eddie's daughter) had been played by four actresses over the course of the series (including Krysten Ritter!) while the role of boyfriend/fiancee/husband Doug had been played by only Sharp, the series embarked on an astoundingly bizarre story arc: It had Doug realize he was a character in a sitcom whose wife kept getting recast, then sent him to psychotherapy to make peace with this fact.

And it get weirder.

On Busing. Er, Bussing. Busssing?

2010-06-22T00:49:00.000-04:00

From time to time, I make my way to our nation's fair Capital, Washington (A DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA!).

And one time I even went to the city of Boston (TAXACHUSETTS!), of which you probably already have an opinion.

I traveled to these cities by bus, which is a fine means of getting around, as it takes all the splendor of train travel and all the privacy of a regular car and throws them directly into the effing garbage and leaves you with whatever's left! One time I took the bus from New York to New Orleans and back. DO NOT DO THIS.

Now I had, until this weekend, taken Bolt Bus to visit these nearby cities. Friends, enemies, and Scraps, I'm here to tell you that Bolt Bus is the way to go. Cheap fares! Comfortable seats! Boarding groups! Electrical outlets at each seat! Free WiFi! This bus be good. To thine own bus be true. Fucking buses, son. Fucking BUSES.

This weekend, I had cause to go to Washington DC (just trying to make sure to visit the emergency room once in every American city. Everybody needs a goal.) Bolt Bus was HORROR OF HORRORS sold out at my chosen time of travel. Well, what about this MegaBus (no link. never a link. no fucking link.) of which I've heard? They seem similar to Bolt Bus what with their cheap fares and electrical outlets and WiFi and zOMG DOUBLE DECKER like when I was four years old in Hong Kong and those fucking Orientals/Limeys wouldn't let me into the science museum on account of youth. I learned science anyway, you jerks!

MegaBus? More like MegaSuck. Oh, there are some good things about MegaBus. They successfully got to me to Washington DC, albeit several hours late. They have reclining seats. Seats that recline right the fuck into your grill if you're sitting behind someone who chooses to recline. The ceilings are Hobbit-esque, which makes Hobbit-esque people (yours truly!) feel hella-tall. They have plugs, which suggest that they might at some point decide to allow those plugs to conduct electricity, and they have a WiFi signal which makes you think they may at some point provide WiFi! Grr. Grr!

And verily, it must be mentioned: they have the worst single boarding process of anything ever and I've ridden on Southwest Airlines on NUMEROUS occasions. No boarding groups. You arrive at 31st and 8th (fuck everything) and then at some undefined moment before your bus arrives several hours late one of the bored/laconic/legally-dead workers will whisper into the air that all people waiting for a particular bus should line up in a particular spot and then while you wait for your bus to arrive they'll move your line several times and then JESUS complaining on the Internet is boring. In summary: DON'T TAKE MEGABUS. Take Bolt Bus. Trust me. It's so so so so much more better.

Or take the Acela, bitches. Biden says so.

Which childhood appropriation is worse?

2010-06-12T20:17:00.004-04:00

Why are Bugs and the Tasmanian Devil dressed like Kriss Kross? How you going to give them fucking braids and earrings? Oh word? Is that what's up mid-nineties? This is how you make shit culturally relevant? I wish they would do this shit today and have fucking tweety bird dressed like Kanye West. Tweety would fit right in rocking some purple skinny jeans and white venetian sunglasses with his androgynous ass.

I'm sayin', man. How you think Bill Watterson feels about motherfuckers turning his wonderful creation into some shit people use to express how much they hate Pepsi or fucking Ford trucks or some shit? I want to make a decal to stick on the rear window of my Scion XD that just has a cartoon version of me smirking over my left shoulder as I shake out the last few drops of a post asparagus and apple juice bruch onto the grave of the motherfucker who came up with this shit. In reality, however, I can't be that mad, because I'm nearly positive that this whole movement originated with some Asian sweatshop trying to make Simpsons merchandise in like '92 and just getting the wrong reference in the pre-Google image era.

The Many Facial Expressions of Keanu Reeves

2010-06-09T18:29:00.000-04:00

Won't you please enjoy?

Questions Are Important

2010-06-02T14:21:00.000-04:00

1. Some native speakers of English, instead of writing "definitely", instead write "deffanately". What is wrong with those people?
2. Yesterday, I read somebody claim that "lodge" as a noun is the ugliest word in the English language. Is she right?
2a. I mean, did she even consider "fungal"?
3. Are you watching Mad Men? Why the hell not?
4. You meet a cute girl. Same setup as yesterday's question, only instead of The Da Vinci Code, she's got Atlas Shrugged on the nightstand. What then?
5. Do there always have to be five questions?

The Important Questions

2010-06-01T17:00:00.000-04:00

1. Why don't people wear neckerchiefs anymore?
2. You notice how some people STILL call Native Americans "Indians"? That's really weird, right?
3. Dustin Byfuglien: good athlete name, or best athlete name?
3a. Does it change the answer if you find out his last name is pronounced "Bufflin"?
4. You meet a really cute girl. Things are going well. She invites you back to her place. You're thinking it's gonna happen. Clothes are being loosened. You move to the bedroom. On her bedside table: The Da Vinci Code. POP QUIZ HOTSHOT. WHAT DO YOU DO?
5. What the fuck ever happened to Craig Kilborn?

Lost in Translation (hopefully) in Space

2009-09-03T13:12:00.001-04:00

Japan's new first lady says rode UFO to Venus
Wed Sep 2, 2009 7:33am EDT

TOKYO (Reuters) - Japan's next prime minister might be nicknamed "the alien," but it's his wife who claims to have had a close encounter with another world.

"While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus," Miyuki Hatoyama, the wife of premier-in-waiting Yukio Hatoyama, wrote in a book published last year.

"It was a very beautiful place and it was really green."

SOO funny

2009-08-17T19:12:00.001-04:00

http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php?

Happy Birthday, Dave!

2009-07-20T19:07:00.001-04:00

More Spam Goodness

2009-06-29T16:55:00.002-04:00

Since Gmail's spam filters went into overdrive sometime in the past few weeks, banninating messages that were actually for good old yours truly, I've been deigning to dip into my spam folder occasionally just to see what is the what.

Now, there are many ways to get one's attention with a spam message line. "Hey you!" "That report you asked for..." "re: Ginormous Penis" (NB "Ginormous" passes Firefox's spelling filters. That's disturbing).

But one email's subject line is simultaneously eye-catching, bizarre, and evil. My eye went right to it, as is, I assume, the point. Here it is:

Obama Died of Heart Stroke

You're gonna open that email, aintcha? If just to find out what in Sweet Jesus a heart stroke is.

But do you find out what it is, how he caught it, or why nobody else is reporting his death?

No. You only find out that with their system, your savings could be significant. And really, isn't that all you wanted to know?

It Doesn't Matter if your black or white when you are dead.

2009-06-25T20:39:00.003-04:00

Modern Poetry

2009-06-25T01:03:00.001-04:00

From a spam email I received. It touched my heart.

rait fled.
mushy mover mushy.
who ilk psalm growl?
lid rake scoff stoke?
cong bike who.
tug catty pear tacky.
shout spill psalm cur?
tug bike syren echo.
salon corny rogue scoff?
clan mushy civil.
betid botch.
unfit botch wrap reek!
mark pore.
echo wrap ado fled.
unfit rake growl apace!
kotow swear quota lotto!
shay wing grass bud.
tenth more gin empty?
bride lotto epic.
nexus shout clan duff.
dulse ego guest.
helve scull finny.
botch salon col finny?
psalm lotto growl delve!

SkyNet is here!!!!!!

2009-06-24T12:01:00.001-04:00

I hope defense secretary Gates has seen the terminator movies. Thank god we have a t-1000 running california.

Yo

2009-06-10T16:33:00.000-04:00

Why so serious?

2009-06-07T07:19:00.000-04:00

Dave is in town

2009-05-28T12:57:00.001-04:00

Why isn't he plugging his shows on TA?

WHY WHY WHY

My A+ Political Science Paper

2009-05-13T09:28:00.001-04:00

TRUCKASAURUS!!!

2009-05-11T18:58:00.001-04:00

PARAMUS!

2009-05-10T16:45:00.002-04:00

My girlfriend left me.

2009-04-28T19:30:00.002-04:00

It finally happened. I still feel the void she left when she burned the giant hole in my chest.

Here's how it went down. I was washing dishes last night after dinner. I'm sure she noticed that I had been distant, not saying much of anything as we ate our personal homemade Boboli pizzas. My pizza had pepperjack and sriracha sauce, so by all rights, I should have been more talkative.

As I lathered and scrubbed the cookie sheet, she asked, "OK. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I lied.

"I known you for years, homie. What's really good?" I paraphrase, but it was something like that.

"Well," I took the dish towel off of my shoulder and met her eyes for the first time all evening. "There is this one thing on my mind."

"Spill it, yo."

"Would you, hypothetically speaking, be upset if I were in space and had sex with a robot that looked exactly like you."

"Jesus," she exhaled. "Again?"

"Hypothetically."

"Yes I would be mad if you hypothetically slept with a robot that looked exactly like me for the second time in a month."

"Hypothetically, though."

"Yes. Hypothetically, or actually. I would be pissed."

"At me or the sexy robot?"

"You, motherfucker."

"Why?"

"You should be able to tell the difference between a robot and a human female."

"No. But the robot looks exactly like you. Hypothetically."

"Didn't we work out a code for just this scenario?"

"What?"

"Remember last spring, I said 'If you're ever in space and doubt that it's really me getting naked in front of you, you need to ask for the code.'"

"I don't recall that conver..."

"And the code was three words that no one would ever say in succession: A professional baseball player, a gum flavor and a night time article of clothing: Mattingly, Wintergreen, Pajama Pants."

"Son. That's what the robot said."

"Hypothetically?"

"For real, though. Robots can read minds."

"No they can't"

"Maybe it was a shapeshifter. Can shapeshifters read minds?"

"The fuck do I look like?"

"Like a robot I had sex with."

"Really?"

"Yes. She. It. Whatever looked just like you. Except it was a little taller. And her feet were wheels. But she had that same skirt you're wearing and that little white hat you always wear. And she knew that sexy pet name you have for me."

"Sexy pet name? You must got me confused, dun."

"Yeah, the sexy pet name you call me. Mr. J."

"Mister wha..? Nigga, did you fuck Rosie the Robot Maid from the Jetsons?"

"Yes. But I thought she was you. It was an honest mistake. Can we please move on?"

That's when she shot me in the chest with the laser beams behind her eyes and walked out of my life forever.

Pac Man

2009-04-20T12:03:00.001-04:00

Real-Life Pac Man Terrorizes People

We didn't start the flame war

2009-04-14T18:14:00.001-04:00

The Onion: Michael Bay Signs $50m Deal to Fuck Up Thundercats

2009-04-13T13:52:00.002-04:00

"I'll use every directorial tool I have to suck the very last ounce of life and charm out of this beloved cartoon," added Bay, claiming that the film could turn out to be the most colossal piece of shit he's ever worked on. "I won't rest until I get every last scene exactly wrong."

Defiantly

2009-04-09T13:01:00.002-04:00

Holy shit, how many different misspellings there are for the word "definitely". Spelling this word is a thing that is not difficult.

Type the word "define". Knock off the "e". Add "itely". So it looks like it should be pronounced DEFINITELY. It isn't "defiantly". I know your spell checker doesn't underline that one with the red squiggly. There is a reason for that. And that reason is that "defiantly" is a word. But, as Inigo Montoya famously said, "I do not think it means what you think it means." When you say that you are "defiantly going to watch that show" it means that you are going to watch that show with an air of defiance. Which is an interesting thing to say. Hell, I've said it about Two and a Half Men. Say it, if it's what you mean. But it's not what you mean.

It's also not spelled defunately, definately, deffinnittttlee, or any other of that shit. If you are writing things on the Internet, it means that you have access to basically every dictionary that's ever been written in any language. You have the power. Use it.

I hate this new Eminem video

2009-04-07T19:54:00.002-04:00

Eminem - New Music - More Music Videos

Guy, you're about as close to 40 as I am to 30. Think it might be time to give up the VH1 Best Week Ever Raps?

How about a little artistic growth? Those 20 year olds that bought The Slim Shady LP when it dropped? THEY'RE 30. They don't know what the fuck a Kardashian is, man.

Racially Coded Sports Announcing Language

2009-04-07T02:26:00.003-04:00

How they all tend to start: "He's not the greatest athlete..."
Translation: The player we are discussing is white.

"...but he's the hardest worker out there."
Translation: Best white player available.

"...but he's a blue-collar guy."
Translation: Pretty good white player.

"...but he's a lunch-pail guy."
Translation: Uh, I guess... on his off-days, this white player works a construction job. You ever hit her?

"...but he's a student of the game."
Translation: We plan to hire this white player to be an announcer as soon as humanly possible.

"...but he really brings the team together off-court."
Translation: The other players hate this white player.

"...but he really learned how to play hard at Duke/North Carolina."
Translation: Fuck that guy, what else is on?

I H8T Michelle Bachman alot.

2009-04-06T23:22:00.011-04:00

This woman is an ASSHOLE.
1) She doesn't believe in Global Warming.
2) She doesn't believe in evolution.
3) She accused members of Congress and Democrats as being "un-American".
4) She misunderstood Tim Geitner's discussion of the global reserve currency changes to think that he wanted to change the U.S. currency and even proposed legislation against that.
5) She said to Micheal Steele at CPAC "You be da man"
6) She lied about earmarks.
7) She claims God wanted her to run for Congress.
8) Finally, she said she wants people: "Armed and Dangerous" over President Obama's tax plan.
The only thing worse than Michelle Bachman is the fact that other stupider people voted her in, and she is in fact representing these stupid people... and they are Americans.

I Hate Bad Sketch Comedy

2009-04-06T18:12:00.003-04:00

Remember these motherfuckers?

CSI David Caruso
>

With that one Saved by the Bell extra-looking looking chick?
Dog, your MySpace page has unfunny shit from four years ago on it. I honestly can't hate something so pitiful. How you gonna ruin a David Caruso concept? Just hold up a photograph of Caruso for four minutes and you'll get more laughs than this shit. He got red hair HA!

These kids suck the funny out of a room. Man, you could be laughing at some shit that's legitimately funny, like, say, an old man getting kicked in the nuts, then you see, Jesse Spano's lab partner and this kid with the weird eyes talking in slavic accents. All the funny runs for the exits like coyotes are chasing it.

Sidebar (Because I can't really bear to waste anymore bandwidth on these garbage ass ETW dropouts):

Remember the nerds from Saved by the Bell? They had that one that looked exactly like Poindexter from Revenge of the Nerds, and the one black kid with the frog voice and he was like extra extra Wesley Snipes in an oil spill black. Little nigro had a mean ass flat top too. And he was all suspendered out pre-Urkel.

Toe Jam and Earl on Sega was my shit though

Hate Week 2009: AND SO IT BEGINS

2009-04-06T07:53:00.008-04:00

Has it come around again? Our annual spewing of bile at the dreck of our civilization, like politicians who are pieces of shit, actors who can't act, and also occasional weird things like vegetables?

It has, my friends and like OCCASIONAL collaborators.

But as I sat down today to pen this missive, I found that unlike previous years I did not have much hatred boiling in my hatepot. Probably the reasons are three:

1. I'm getting older and am calming down? HEAVEN FORBID.
2. Spring weather only just arrived and it's turned me soft?
3. The U.S. government doesn't comprise 100% assholes and no-nothings? Good change!

But then, as I thought about it a little more, I realized: oh yeah. There's still plenty to loathe. I pulled that hatepot out of long term storage and got to immediate and vigorous stewing. YEAH BABY.

Former Vice President Richard Bruce Cheney

I know, I know. Shut up, Dave. But first, Mr. Vice President, please do us all your Christian duty and report immediately and directly to Hell. Also, fuck you. Please go away now and forever and rot. Glad we got that out of the way early.

The Metropolitan Transit Authority

Hey, you know what's a great plan? Raise prices more than 25% and also cut services down to F train on a rainy Saturday night levels. More specifically, eliminate bus and subway lines in already under-served areas full of non-wealthy people because you don't want to nut up and charge people to drive in Manhattan. Can't pass congestion pricing, even though people driving in Manhattan can a) afford to pay and b) should stop driving in Manhattan, goddamnit. Yeah. This is a great plan (hate! flowing!). In order not to displease voters who are clogging the streets and killing the planet, we're going to screw people who are making the environmentally conscious and probably ONLY possible choice given the relative "affordability" of all options, and these decisions are going to be handed down by a panel made up of people who don't ever ride public transportation. You want to get your populist outrage on? Ignore AIG and start calling the MTA.

But that being said: AIG

For real. Those guys are dicks.

And now a lighthearted one! FOR THE CHILDREN!

Czech Hot Dogs

All hot dogs here in Czech "O'Slovakia" Republic look like this. You know what this looks like? I bet you do. Not that I'd one of these pressed tubes of pig innards anyway, but now whenever I watch anybody eating one I can't decide whether to point and laugh or turn and vomit. And when I try to do all four at once, it just, uh, doesn't go well.

The Hatepot? It's full. Your turn.

Go.

A woman must have money and ARRROOOOOm of her own if she is to write fiction

2009-04-03T20:24:00.003-04:00

not the AROOOOOOginal version, but still

2009-04-03T19:11:00.000-04:00

How About You, Lash LAROOOOOOO?

2009-04-03T18:00:00.001-04:00

The Next GenAROOOOOOOOOtion

2009-04-03T17:54:00.001-04:00

gotta play by the AROOOOOOOles

2009-04-03T16:46:00.001-04:00

Gotta kill HitlAROOOOOOOOOO

2009-04-03T08:58:00.001-04:00

Piece of shit. I mean, uh, AROOO.

2009-04-03T08:52:00.001-04:00

cAROOOOOdité?

2009-04-02T23:33:00.001-04:00

I loved you in ARRRROOOOOOOOOsted Development

2009-04-02T19:46:00.002-04:00

Spoilaroooooo?

2009-04-02T18:37:00.000-04:00

My favorite plant, next to ARRROOOOOOgula

2009-04-02T18:07:00.003-04:00

Former child pARRROOOOOOdigy

2009-04-02T18:01:00.000-04:00

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

2009-04-02T17:59:00.001-04:00

Nicholson Pfeiffer? I hear that guy is AROOOOly good.

2009-04-02T17:40:00.000-04:00

A-Team RipoffaROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2009-04-02T16:29:00.000-04:00

AROOOOOOOO back to you, Sandy.

2009-04-02T13:49:00.000-04:00

ARRROOOOOOO

2009-04-01T19:54:00.004-04:00

The Pope is Dumb

2009-03-19T10:35:00.003-04:00

How can one be so short sighted. I mean come on. Just get over it. People have sex outside of marriage. I dont understand how he said that with a straight face. WELCOME TO THE 21st CENTURY YOU F'IN TARD!!!!!!

P.S. Science Works!!!!!!

P.S.S. The world is flat and condoms actually increase STD transmission

P.S.S.S. You are automatically "stupider" if you believe the above.

More Tales From Owen's Place Of Employment

2009-03-14T15:41:00.000-04:00

Is this enjoyable? If not, let me know, and I'll stop sharing.

The following is from a customer-submitted review on the zZounds website for the Pioneer CDJ-1000MK3 DJ-style CD Turntables:

Headline:
"Every brother should own one (Or be given one, if they're as poor as me!)"

Features:
The hot cues and hot loops are amazing for live remixing, skipping back, missing parts (Like where the beats drop out for tooooo long, this can kill dancefloors!). There's just too much to write about.

Quality:
They make me hard. They are strong like bull.

Value:
I think they're very aware of the fact that they have the dog bollocks here. The prices are out of reach for a lot of brothers. I strongly encourage looting or revolution. Every brother, black white or other, should have access to food, clothes, and decks. Worldwide!

Desirability:
I'm lucky enough to be able to use one at the club. They are sexy though, if you like that sort of man vs machine type sexual scenario.

Sound:
The mk3 is the industry standard. It sounds as good in a club as it will in the bedroom. If used with the DJM600, it's devastaing in terms of expressive DJ'ing. There are other products out there that are on par, sound quality wise, but nothing comes near in versatility. No hardware anyway.

Ease of Use:
Can be a bit daunting, there are loads of features. I'd master the basics of cueing, beat matching and skipping from CD/Vinyl jog mode before going mad on the features. You'll just end up lost in the madness. Well worth taking the time out though.

Support:
Not really bothered them.

Overall:
Yeah, they're mint. OK!!!!!!!!!

Submitted: 11/12/2007

Style of Music: Dark Electro.

Wall St Flippin Out

2009-03-08T22:39:00.000-04:00

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

Vice President of HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

2009-03-08T18:43:00.002-04:00

Typical Work Exchanges Via Intranet IM System Between Myself and Co-Worker / GW Editor Josh:

2009-03-05T16:49:00.003-05:00

Josh
3:38

Though it lacked the radical designs of the Flying V and Explorer, which by 1959's standards were figuratively tried for witchcraft and possibly literally tried for communism, the ES-335 <strike>knew how to party</strike> featured some pretty important advancements on the inside.

Owen
3:39

man that';s good

Josh
3:39

I like the strikethru text
3:40
you think if web designers went on strike, they'd have picket signs that read <strike>
3:40
and no close tag

Owen
3:40

that'd be hard to take seriosuly
3:41
that said, let's organize the 3rd floor into the 1st IBWD

Josh
3:41

it's hard for me to take people with computer skills seriously

Owen
3:41

about this JBl Sub Transporter:
3:41
Of course, life is like mashed potatoes, and if you've ever tried to bicycle through a mound of freshly-mashed spuds (did you see me on that episode of <i>Double Dare</i>?), you know that at some point, you're going to have to carry a thing. For when you do need to manually increase your subwoofer's relative altitude, the JBL Sub Transporter features reinforced handles at easy lift-points (i.e., right near somebody else's hands).

Josh
3:41

nice italics

Owen
3:41

my family is part italics

Josh
3:42
Italian Hispanics?

Werd Mr VP

2009-03-04T13:45:00.001-05:00

Owen, THIS is a series of non-sequiturs.

2009-03-03T17:55:00.002-05:00

After the commercial, of course.

(Vice) President of Slippy

2009-03-02T09:33:00.000-05:00

President says CLICK THE PIC

2009-03-02T02:46:00.004-05:00

Vice President of Sleepy

2009-02-27T15:07:00.002-05:00

Vice President of Sexy

2009-02-27T13:40:00.000-05:00

Shit and Puke

2009-02-24T17:46:00.016-05:00

"Yeah. I'm feeling better. It was a stomach thing , you know? Luckily it was just coming out the one end. I mean, I can deal with sitting on the toilet, but the alternative..."

Shit and puke. What made a co-worker of mine utter the above, with graphic allusion to shit, and a circumspect reticence to even reference puke? And why am I so grossed out by it?

I fall firmly on the side of the debate that argues for the acceptability of puke over shit. Chalk it up to puritanical New England upbringing, or hasty potty training, but I do not like shit. I do not mean to say that I do like puke. Not at all. But just as in my family, the southern cousins are much less acceptable (biologically and socially).

For those who have not examined the argument, and lump both shit and puke into the toilet bowl of foul bodily waste, I ask that you consider the ramifications and behaviors surrounding each. Think about the distinctions which we, as a society, make between the two.

Dream, if you will, a courtyard, an ocean of violets in bloom. Animals strike curious poses, and then this guy pukes all over the place. I'm talking about hardcore ralphage. Of, say, ten people in the courtyard:

Three will turn their noses up in disgust and keep it moving;
Two will jump out of the way trying to avoid getting yak on their kicks;
One will be like "Eeeeeeew"
But the other four will stop and see if the puker is ok.

Where society prescribes soft cooing and gentle hair stroking to deal with puke , shit is greeted by almost universal revilement.

Of the same ten people in the same courtyard, you're likely to see the following when presenting them with some guy who just starts shitting, George Brett style, right there on the violets:

Three will keep it moving (without wasting time to turn up their noses);
One will jump out of the way to avoid shit getting anywhere near him;
The other six will be like, "You's a nasty motherfucker." They will berate the shitter, accusing him of being a savage, and questioning the moral fiber of his parents, when the only thing really at play here is that the guy had some bad king crab legs at a buffet.

And it's not just about random people on the street. Think about shit vs. puke in how we treat loved ones.

Dig, if you will a picture, of you and I engaged in a kiss. The sweat of your body covers me, even though you spewed half eaten-baby carrots, like, two days ago.

Look, I'm nobody's prude. I'm from the nineties, I've been around. But you will never get an asshole clean enough for me.

No sir.

I love my girlfriend more than I love life, but for me to put any part of me near the abyss that lives under her coccyx takes more than love. Just the thought that the lentil-fueled dookie train regularly putt-putt-putts its way though that dark valley is enough for me to know that as far as I'm concerned, the germs will always be there.

And yet, I will, without hesitation, place my face right there on the last stop on the upchuck express.

Why?

Because shit is grosser.

Of course, the gross inaccuracy of evaluating grossness in this way is evident when we apply the standard to language.

Those who have heard me speak have heard me use "shit" as an all-purpose noun, kind of like how Caucasians use "dude". Put more cleverly, I throw "shit" around like a chimpanzee.

Given my observation that shit is much more disgusting than puke, it is, of course, inconsistent that I say things like:

This shit tastes good
Let me see that shit.
That is my motherfucking shit.

(That I more readily question my use of "shit" than my use of "motherfucker" probably describes some issues surrounding the above-referenced rushed potty training.)

There really is no reason for my speech to be peppered so heavily with little chunks of "shit."

Anecdotal reference to vomit has a charm to it. You can smile at the thought of old men recalling the regurgitation-related indiscretions of youth. It's acceptable.

But nobody talks about shit.

Nobody except douchebags.

I live in Connecticut, the Massengill Mafia is deep out here. And, bro, I have heard so many references to messy fecal episodes and the number of wipes necessary to get some sweet radical Taco Bell out of your crack. And that's just at work, dude. Totally.

You don't want to be a douchebag do you? They're barely human, with popped collars little more than vestigial dorsal fins. So for the purposes of this coversation, their doo doo fascination is moot.

Of course the big winner in all of this is none other than pee.

Wee wee has none of the threat of puke or shit. It's sterile, innocuous. Chemically and socially.

No one gives a fuck if you say "I have to go pee." But let someone say "I have to go take a shit." Yes. That person immediately becomes a nasty neanderthal bastard.

And is there any vulgarity associated with pee? I can be pissed off (though being pissed on seems to cross a line. KELLZ!), Brits love to take the piss out of things (who is this Mickey Bliss chap anyway), and ginger kids in Boston named Sully and Collin love to say "Wicked Pissah!" (whatever the chartreuse fuck that means).

And really, guys, who among us hasn't left the boys room with a coulpe of dribbles right there on the fly. It dries up and you forget about it.

Let somebody walk out of the executive washroom with some dried stir fry and stomach acid on his collar. Or some of the brown on his Dockers.

That'd really be some motherfucking shit.

The President of Sexy

2009-02-23T17:34:00.001-05:00

This it the point at which Fontaine says, "Ooh, boy. Do your dance."

Schwarzenbach's new band

2009-02-21T14:03:00.000-05:00

They're called Thorns of Life.

Cooking By the Book

2009-02-18T06:34:00.000-05:00

LA Times? More like LA Pictures of Dogs

2009-02-16T16:57:00.004-05:00

This is the lead image on the LA Times website right now.

Unless that dog: is the new senator from Minnesota, or is responsible for bringing peace to the Middle East, or has just killed bin Laden, or is delivering my bailout money directly to me, or is taking AIDS medicine to Africa, or is the new leader of North Korea, or, zOMG INJECTED A-ROD WITH STEROIDS, there is no no no no no reason for this image to appear on the front page of a newspaper. Or on page 2. Or on any page outside of the special Monday Pets Wearing Clothes supplement.

I don't say this often: hey, WTF?

The Life of David FAIL

2009-02-05T13:42:00.001-05:00

Quickly, before I forget, saw The Life of David Gale last night and it was laughably terrible.

I'm guessing someone read the original story and said "This is totally a Primal Fear type thing! Let's get great actors and make it like Pay It Forward except it won't suck!" But instead it was ruined and sucked.

Another waste of Kevin Spacey on film. A shame.

Arrested D'News

2009-01-29T09:54:00.001-05:00

'Arrested Development' movie is on!
Michael Cera will do the highly debated “Arrested Development” movie, according to his on-screen granddad, Jeffrey Tambor.
“If I have to call him up and say, ‘Get on set right now, young man,’ he’ll be there,” the comic said at a recent Upright Citizens Brigade L.A. performance of “Word Girl.” “The movie is going to happen this year, and Michael Cera is on board. Trust me.”

RoAWHH: Either The McKeither's or The McKeithen's. Either way it's crp.

2009-01-28T19:55:00.002-05:00

33
D: That dude in the back is George W. Bush. Suddenly, this is my least favorite album of all time.
B: Who’s the father here? That woman in the front is the mother, but where’s the father?
D: “He died. In the war.”
B: “And thanks for bringing it up.”
D: So he’s more like Bush than I thought. He ALSO has daddy issues.
B: Maybe if they had a strong male role-model in the house, they wouldn’t use the possessive apostrophe on McKeithen’s.
D: McKeither’s?
B: I think it’s an n.
D: I think either way it fucking sucks. I hate this album. I hate everything about this album. I hate that Manson-looking woman on the left. I hate that thing on that woman’s head.
B: I hate the berries that grow inside it.
D: I hate that it features... uh... something.
B: Yellow text?
D: FUCK THAT YELLOW TEXT. We’re saving this one for Hate Week ‘09. Next.

RoAWHH: Tommy Seebach's DISCO TANGO

2009-01-27T08:22:00.002-05:00

D: Wait! Disco? Tango? Together at last.
B: Like chocolate and peanut butter! Tommy Seebach is the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of crappy music.
D: Goddamn.
B: You think that helmet could protect him in a motorcycle crash? You think he just goes into a chamber like Darth Vader and that thing comes onto his scarred, golf-ball head?
D: Reference?
B: You’re goddamn right.
D: Dave and Blackey: letting Internet message-board commenters get to their heads since 2002. Wait... what is he standing in front of?
B: Mt. St. Helens? At 8:32 AM, Sunday, May 18th, 1980?
D: Did you just pull that off the top of your head?
B: If by the ‘top of [my] head’ you mean ‘Wikipedia’, then yes.
D: Generally, when I say “top of your head” I mean Wikipedia.
B: That’s what I call it.
D: That’s what we all call it. Except for Tommy Seebach’s head.
B: ‘Cause we just call that blow-dried perfection.

RoAWHH: Gary Dee Bradford Sings for Fucking Everybody

2009-01-23T17:31:00.003-05:00

HOLY CRAP there are still 20 more of these coming. Damn. PREPARE YOURSELF!

B: And here we have the thalidomide babies.
D: Christian music strikes again.
B: This looks like Young Sloth, from the Goonies.
D: This actually just looks like a young sloth.
B: And I don’t even need to speculate: I know for a FACT that his parents don’t call him Gary, they call him Gary Dee.
D: They actually call him Gary Dee Bradford. And that they never use pronouns, they just call him Gary Dee Bradford.
B: “Gary Dee Bradford, you march right upstairs and go brush Gary Dee Bradford’s teeth. The big ones right in the front.”
D: “Those teeth are our ticket out of this joint!”
B: I started reading the song titles, but I thought that it was just a paragraph of text.
D: Like a poem.
B: Yeah. “One day at a time, through it all, because he lives: let me be there. There is a river- ten thousand years, it (the river) keeps getting better.” Then it turns into creepy vampire molester poem.
D: Ah, what Christianity’s all about.
B: “The blood will never lose its power. HE TOUCHED ME. GET ALL EXCITED. HOW GREAT THOU ART. Bonus track: And I’m spent.”
D: “Gary Dee Bradford: show us on the doll where the vampire bit you.”
B: “HE BIT GARY DEE BRADFORD RIGHT HERE. AND THEN GARY DEE BRADFORD GOT ALL EXCITED!”

This Just In

2009-01-20T13:14:00.002-05:00

http://www.isgeorgewbushstillpresident.com/

Later, Asshole

2009-01-20T09:21:00.000-05:00

Please let hundreds of thousands of doors hit you on the way out.

RoaWHH: My Turtle's Dead!

2009-01-16T15:42:00.002-05:00

B: Yes. We’re coming for your capuchin next.
D: Ohhhh, this is an ADULT comedy laugh-in!
B: ‘Cause kids just don’t do well with dead turtle humor. You need a certain sensibility.
D: A sophisticated sensibility. That droll, dry-wit of the dead turtle comedic tradition? Notice that it’s “AN Hysterical Evening”
B: What’s the rule on that?
D: When you’re talkin’ regular say “a” before an “h”.
B: “It’s a honor to meet you, Mr. President.”
D: “When you’re talkin’ stuck-up-like, you say “an”.
B: “I shall order an hot dog.”
D: “Ah, yes. An delicious hot dog.” (it’s transferable)
B: Do you think the turtle killer is in the house, and that’s what she’s so surprised about? Or she’s just never seen a camera before?
D: Option C?
B: She’s looking in a mirror and sees the reflection of that clown behind her?
D: There you go.
B: “HOLY... oh it’s just my clown.”

RoAWHH: Music for Bathroom Baritones, Bathing Beauties

2009-01-14T19:51:00.002-05:00

Local Woman Found Dead in Pink Bathtub

Sheboygan: Local pet-communicator (specializing in dogs) Mitsy Carmichael was on Tuesday found dead in her pink bathtub with a bit of fake rocks at the bottom (or “foot”). The cause of death is either suicide or intense stupidity. Carmichael’s Ion Audio iPTUSB Portable USB Turntable phonograph was found submerged in the base (or "bottom") of the tub. Apparently, Carmichael had spent the afternoon soaking under some bubbles and listening to some Music for Bathing Beauties.

The phonograph then either accidentally fell into the tub, perhaps as Carmichael reached for some herbal conditioner, or more likely was grabbed by the victim and thrust on purpose into the water in order to end the pain caused by being subjected to such an aural monstrosity.
This is the thirteenth in a wave of free-plumbing-music-related deaths in Central Wisconsin alone.

“Now listen, I’m a bathroom baritone,” said Chief of Police Sherry “Skippy” O’Grady-McShaugnaughsey. “But even though I’m not always on pitch, I don’t need any handouts from plumbers. I buy my own goddamn music. This free stuff is poisoning our community. How many more women have to die?”

Your American Standard Plumbing Contractor did not return a call seeking comment. Neither did anybody else’s.

RoAWHH: The Braillettes Send Dave and Blackey to Hell

2009-01-13T18:24:00.003-05:00

D: Can we really blame them for the picture being out of focus?
B: “Watch the birdie. I SAID THE BIRDIE!” But to answer your question: no. And I don’t think we can blame them for their hair.
D: Can we blame the record company for calling this “Heart Warming”? That’s just a lie. Because this is...
B: Blood-curdling?
D: I don’t know. That one in the front looks pretty cute. It almost looks like she can see. That’s attractive in a woman. Sight.
B: I like that.
D: It’s one of my favorite senses for my sexual partners to have. It’s better when they can’t hear.
B: That way you can pass the tears off as sweat?
D: “I’m sorry. I just get so hot!”
B: Do you think it’s time we question whether the Chicago Tribune is just showing album covers of disabled people? We’ve had mentally challenged, obese, handless, dummies...
D: Joyce...
B: That guy Ron Johnson who may or may not have eyes. And let’s not even get started on Cody.
D: Or ET.
B: So seriously. What’s next? Burn victims?
D: They would never stoop that low.
B: Thalidomide babies?
D: I would totally listen to that.
B: Quip.
D: Reference?

RoAWHH: Sour Cream and Other Delights

2009-01-12T16:50:00.000-05:00

B: Jesus.
D: You promised.
B: Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.
D: We don’t have to make any suppositions about what these ladies smell like. Sour cream.
B: Oh, forgive me Joyce.
D: Well. Sour cream and death. Wait. Wait! That’s Joyce’s rose! These old-ass broads done ripped her off! Why, the chicanery! The lowness and cowardice! I’ve ne’er been so angry! I feel like taking every single last condiment out of my refrigerator and spreading it on my naked body in protest. Fie! FIE ON THESE WOMEN, with their “sour cream” and their “nudity” and their “coy, come hither, why won’t you fuck me” poses! I shall tear out my own eyes with plastic forks, screaming songs of protest and pain, and crying great cries of hallelujah!
B: Why do those two women have sour cream on their heads?
D: To hide their third nipples.
B: And other delights.

What Now MET

2009-01-09T10:15:00.001-05:00

RoAWHH: Joyce

2009-01-08T14:10:00.003-05:00

B: Now I know we don’t usually do “crude” humour, but something tells me that Joyce’s vagina smells like a Wal-Mart.
D: [sigh]
B: I’m sorry. That’s what immediately leaps to mind.
D: That’s a problem with you, not with Joyce.
B: On a more civilized front: who gave her the rose? Did she buy the rose for herself?
D: They have it it as one of the props at the photographer’s.
B: At Sears?
D: At Roebuck. She doesn’t even get to go to Sears.
B: Roebuck is great. You can get your choice of background color: Burgundy... or... purple... or...
D: Anything to match your dress!
B: Depending on the year this was made, $0.50 might have been very expensive.
D: I think anytime after record players, $0.50 probably wasn’t very expensive.
B: I’m just trying to say nice things about Joyce since I was crude earlier.
D: I think you have a lot more ground to cover.
B: Maybe I should get Joyce a new dress. Or a new rose. To mask that smell.
D: ...
B: I’m sorry. This ends the crude portion of our program.
D: Now back to your regularly scheduled dumb jokes.

RoAWHH: Have Harp, Can't Travel

2009-01-07T12:01:00.005-05:00

D: Visual sound? Is that like audible taste?
B: Tactile scent?
D: Olfactory...
B: Sight?
D: Sure.
B: Anyway you look at it, it’s exploitative.
D: Maybe that dwa.. midg... smal... littl... uh... person of lesser physical stature is the greatest harpest known to midget-kind. I mean mankind. I mean humanity.
B: Is he Stanley Johnson?
D: Why wouldn’t he be?
B: I don’t know, but I think they’re making an unkind joke about small people being unable to get their harps onto public transportation. But look at how big that harp is. Shaq couldn’t get that thing on the bus.
D: Shaq couldn’t fit on the bus.
B: Is Shaq on the bus? It looks like the tire’s flat.
D: Shaq is the bus.
B: Why didn’t they just put some wheels on the harp? Then the Stanley Johnson Orchestra could...
D: Ride the harp?
B: You know, the harp has never been a staple of a traveling troubadour, so I don’t know why this is a bad thing anyway.
D: ‘Cause it’s now considered rude to do blackface?
B: But midgetface is a-OK?
D: Sounds like the next Adam Sandler movie.

RoWHH: I forgot to do this for like EVER

2009-01-02T16:56:00.004-05:00

Blackey just reminded me, and told me that people were worried about me. WORRIED. Worry not. I'm just an idiot. Nothing else. Back to it on some sort of (?) regular schedule.

B: I wanna put this on t-shirts and sell it to gay hipsters in the West Village. Gay, irony-loving hipsters.
D: Is there any other kind?
B: At first, I thought that this is the kind of thing I’d name an album that I made. But then I realized that Jonah Jones is trying to affirm something way too hard. Because I guess with a name like his, people are gonna make some assumptions about you.
D: What kind of assumptions?
B: That you don’t dig chicks. With construction equipment or otherwise.
D: Oh, I get it. He means it literally. Like, digging. DIGGING.
B: I think it’s fantastic. You got the one chick with the ass out. One with the angular titties. All on a back-hoe. Is Jonah Jones a rapper?
D: Why wouldn’t he then say “I dig the fly ladies?”
B: What kind of rappers have you been listening to?
D: Good... ones...?
B: Is that what’s hot on the streets of Prague? "Straight off the cobblestones!"
D: You know. The ones that speak-sing of their love. For attractive women.
B: We need rappers that speak of their love for a good backhoe. The construction equipment, I mean.
D: So Chicken Coupe De Ville is right up your alley then?
B: I have no basis for this, but I think Jonah Jones made a wise decision not putting himself on his album cover. Based on what we’ve seen so far. From Little David Wilkins on down.
D: But really, could it get any worse?
B: He could have named it I Dig ME. Or I Dig Little David Wilkins.
D: Yikes.

RoAWHH: AHHHHHH!

2008-12-22T15:09:00.002-05:00

D: It’s OK. I got this: “Stop the haters at the ballpark.” And then parenthetically it says “You know which one.” And then the second part says... the second part says... uh... I can’t focus on it ‘cause I just keep staring at that guy’s fucked up teeth. Ew. EW. I think the second part says "BRUSH YOUR GODDAMN TEETH KIDS. Or Norberto De Freitas will come to you at night." EW.
B: You think that look was intentional? Like they chose that? Or they just had one exposure left in the camera? “OK, Norberto. We’ve only got one take, let’s make this count.” And then he was like “Oh, chocolate! I LIKE!”
D: Ew.
B: Also, where did they graft the hair on his chin from?
D: A mountain goat? His left mutton chop?
B: Are those mutton chops, or are they meat cubes?
D: Playing it like it’s early 2005.
B: I’ll take you back further than that: he looks like he was groomed by the SuckCut. It certainly does suck.
D: IT’S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE!
B: I think that’s what the middle part of the album cover says.
D: I think his hair isn’t the only thing that sucks.
B: Yeah. He used the BrushSuck.
D: “It gives you cavities, while it gives you cavities!”
B: Let’s move on. But first, let’s both go floss.

TurboAwesome.com

RoAWHH: Steve Warren

Listening to Beastie Boys

Ill Communication

Beastie Boys Week February 28 - March 4th

Old Lady

RoAWHH: Love and Peace

RoAWHH: Ken, By Request Only

RoAWHH: Free Indeed by Rick McKnight

RoAWHH: Space Escapade by Les Baxter

RoAWHH: Happy Again by Merrill Womach

Happy Birthday Nick Cage

Not to interrupt the flow or nothin'

Uh-oh

uh-oh

UH-OH

Uh-oh

Uh-oh

Uh-oh

Uh-oh

Uh-oh

RoAWHH: The Best of the Singing Postman

RoAWHH: Terry Riley?

Well, You're No Brad Garrett.

On Busing. Er, Bussing. Busssing?

Which childhood appropriation is worse?

The Many Facial Expressions of Keanu Reeves

Questions Are Important

The Important Questions

Lost in Translation (hopefully) in Space

SOO funny

Happy Birthday, Dave!

More Spam Goodness

It Doesn't Matter if your black or white when you are dead.

Modern Poetry

SkyNet is here!!!!!!

Yo

Why so serious?

Dave is in town

My A+ Political Science Paper

TRUCKASAURUS!!!

PARAMUS!

My girlfriend left me.

Pac Man

We didn't start the flame war

The Onion: Michael Bay Signs $50m Deal to Fuck Up Thundercats

Defiantly

I hate this new Eminem video

Racially Coded Sports Announcing Language

I H8T Michelle Bachman alot.

I Hate Bad Sketch Comedy

Hate Week 2009: AND SO IT BEGINS

A woman must have money and ARRROOOOOm of her own if she is to write fiction

not the AROOOOOOginal version, but still

How About You, Lash LAROOOOOOO?

The Next GenAROOOOOOOOOtion

gotta play by the AROOOOOOOles

Gotta kill HitlAROOOOOOOOOO

Piece of shit. I mean, uh, AROOO.

cAROOOOOdité?

I loved you in ARRRROOOOOOOOOsted Development

Spoilaroooooo?

My favorite plant, next to ARRROOOOOOgula

Former child pARRROOOOOOdigy

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

Nicholson Pfeiffer? I hear that guy is AROOOOly good.

A-Team RipoffaROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

AROOOOOOOO back to you, Sandy.

ARRROOOOOOO

The Pope is Dumb

More Tales From Owen's Place Of Employment

Wall St Flippin Out

Vice President of HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

Typical Work Exchanges Via Intranet IM System Between Myself and Co-Worker / GW Editor Josh:

Werd Mr VP

Owen, THIS is a series of non-sequiturs.

(Vice) President of Slippy

President says *CLICK THE PIC*

Vice President of Sleepy

Vice President of Sexy

President says CLICK THE PIC